On being the gay in the family…

As I alluded to earlier, my sexuality was at least partly a factor in my departure from Mormonism. I actually came out as an atheist about a year before I came out as gay. I suppose you could say I was warming up to the hard part.

I actually have an uncle who left the church shortly after completing his two year stint as a missionary in London, and so the trail was already blazed and I had some expectation as to how family would react – this uncle is treated no differently for not being a member of the church and is as welcome at family events, religious or otherwise, as anyone else. Surely enough, when the time came that I made my disbelief clear, it was something of a non-event. I was even living at home at the time. Bizarrely, I continued attending church – such was a rule of the house and so I decided to respect that as to minimise boat rocking. But as soon as I left home for University, Mormonism was dropped like a stone.

To spoil the ending, my coming out was a similar non-event for the most part. Pretty much all my family seemed to toe the line of “we disapprove of the gay, but still love you”. I had waited until I was independent of my parents before making this announcement specifically because I feared I may never be welcome at home again, but thus far I have had no issues. That is, except for Dad.

All credit to the man, to my face he is amicable and polite, but I know from my Mum that underneath this is a rather intolerant undercurrent. I know my Mum had to talk him down from his initial reaction that I was never to step foot into their house again. I guess this puts me in two minds. The fact that he is making what must be a painful effort to be nice while I am there is something I give him credit for, but the fact he still holds the vile opinions that caused a great deal of anguish to me when I was coming to terms with my sexuality does still upset me. It makes me wonder how much my sexuality becomes the elephant in the room when I visit home, never mentioned but always having an overbearing presence. I was kind of hoping progress was being made, thinking maybe one day I will be able to introduce him to the man I have come to love. But recent anecdotes suggest otherwise.

And that’s the most painful part. I’m happy and in a relationship. Most of my siblings and my Mum have met the man. I’m glad I can share the joy with some. But I wonder, how many aunts and uncles, whilst polite in person, would rather me not be there when the family gathers? How many would simply feel too awkward if I wanted to make my partner a part of the wider family? How many are teaching their sons and daughters that what I am is not ok?

I’m big enough to accept they are entitled to whatever beliefs they wish to hold, and maybe with the exception of my Dad, visions of some unwelcome undercurrents are unfounded. But the feeling of having cracks in a family unit that means the world to me, which may only deepen with time, is not a welcome one.