It doesn’t take an incredible amount of investigation to determine the Mormon viewpoint on relationships. From “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” to their recent push against marriage equality laws, their wish for the heterosexual nuclear family unit to prevail as society’s gold standard is clear and loudly spoken. Further to this, with dating forbidden until the age of 16, no sexual intimacy before marriage, and the apparent need for the man to be a return missionary before tying the knot means that the ‘relationship life’ of young Mormons is incredibly proscriptive. Marriage is also made the number one priority for young women, and men who have returned from missionary service.
So it hasn’t really come as any kind of surprise that, at 23, I find all the Mormons who were part of my peer group are already married, and a fair few people a few years my junior have also wedded off. I do have some sympathy for the jokes that say people are going to get married young if that is the barrier between them and getting laid, but I think the Mormon norm is about more than that, and as such is a lot more toxic.
Now, this isn’t to say that many Mormon marriages aren’t happy, fulfilling and long-lasting. However, the culture of getting married young, and implying that a failure to marry is a defect of the individual, is not without consequence. This pressure to marry has resulted in a nineteen year old divorcee within my circle of acquaintances. By effectively discouraging long engagements, people are getting married without really knowing the person they are making eternal promises with. I would even argue at such a young age, people are making such promises without even knowing themselves. It is no surprise to see such relationships fail, and I imagine there are many unhappy relationships out there for whom divorce remains too much of a taboo. Unsurprisingly, the church looks down on divorce, and considers it a last resort.
Another toxic attitude this perpetuates is the idea that you are on the shelf at 25. This stems from a quote from the 2nd President of the Mormon church, Brigham Young, who implied unmarried people above 25 were a menace to society. Though many people only use it in jest, it is something that many young Mormons take to heart, and find themselves wondering why they have fallen short of the gold standard, seeing themselves at fault. Especially women, who may think that by pursuing education or a career, they have failed to set their priorities correctly.
So, leaving aside the fact that I am gay, I really do not share the gold-standard valuation that the Mormon church places on this view of relationships. Though civil partnerships would have effectively allowed me to emulate the Mormon model, it is not a pursuit I consider healthy or wise for the majority of people.
For one thing, it means all relationships have to be set in the context of finding an eternal partner. No casual relationships to explore your personality or – heaven forbid – sexuality. No dating outside of a tight social group, unless you are sure you can convert them. You have one eternal partner to find, and the clock is ticking. This hardly seems to be the optimal formula for finding and exploring healthy relationships.
In about a months time I will begin cohabiting with my boyfriend. I can remember lessons where the rise in cohabitation was seen as a sign of the increasing wickedness of society. Such people, we were told, lack the virtues required to fulfil a proper relationship. Now I realise, cohabitation is a step in a normal, healthy relationship. One does not need to make eternal promises to validate love. Taking a long time to get to know each other well is a sign of sanity, not sinfulness. Recognising that my boyfriend and I might not feel the same way about each other in one, five or ten years’ time doesn’t reduce the relationship’s value to silver or bronze. We hope to share a lifetime together, but are not certain. That is natural. That is healthy. That is my way.
pepsimaxfiend 